Chen’s discussion of compulsory sexuality (like compulsory heterosexuality)-that the societal portrayal of the “normal” way of being is to feel sexual attraction-also hit home because I had no other understanding of how to show my love but through access to my body. Because of my own traumas, I equated sex with the need to be a part of something, to mean something to someone. As a hypersexual teenager, it took time to realize that I rarely felt sexual attraction. I especially connected with Chen’s own experience of confusing sexuality with the desire to feel special and cherished.
One of the things that became clear immediately is that no two experiences were the same-from their knowledge and understanding of what asexuality means, to their dating experiences, to unlearning biases and stereotypes, and to accepting that there was no “normal” when it came to sexuality.Īs an avid reader, I often find something relatable in the books I read, but I found myself on the verge of tears while reading Ace. It was a revelation of re-finding myself, of the vocabulary and feelings that I’ve often felt when coming to an understanding-or lack thereof-of my sexuality and the complexities within the community itself. In Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, she discusses her own experience coming to terms with her asexuality while highlighting the responses she received from other aces she interviewed. In the last few years-thanks to Twitter-I stumbled upon the words bi/panromantic and demi/greysexual and finally felt something unlock. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I didn’t feel anything sexual when I looked at any gender’s body and spent years wondering if I was truly broken.
After talking to a bisexual friend in my early twenties, she showed me a picture of a very beautiful woman in an evocative pose and asked if I felt anything when I looked at it. Content warning: discussions about trauma, rape, and abuseĮven though I primarily dated men as a teenager, I’d had sexual and romantic experiences with women.
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